Ninjas and Alcohol Don't Mix
by Kairi and Cloud
Summary: What happens when there is a wild party in Konoha? Lot's of amusing things, but you'll have to read to find out! [Rating may change as fanfic is updated.]
1. Getting Ready

**Cloud:** This is our first fanfic...just so you know...

**Kairi:** R&R please...

**Disclaimer: **If you think we own it, you need the 9th floor of Bellview more than we do, and that's just sad...

Chapter 1: Getting Ready

It was an early summer morning in the ninja village of Konohagakure. Villagers were sound asleep in their beds, with sweet dreams dancing around in their heads. Dew was beginning to accumulate on the deep green carpet of grass. The sky was starting to brighten as the sun moved to make its first appearance of the day. Oh yeah, and a bright-eyed Uzumaki and a very disgruntled Inuzuka were hauling a keg of beer down an alley towards the forest.

"I'm telling you, Naruto, we are never going to pull this off," Kiba grumbled as he wiped some sweat from his brow with the back of his tanned hand.

"Shut up, Kiba!" Naruto exclaimed as he grinned idiotically. "I've given this a lot of thought and---"

"**_YOU_**?" Kiba interrupted loudly, "**_YOU'VE_** given this a lot of **_THOUGHT_**? Since when do you **_THINK_**?"

"Ha ha, that's very funny. Especially coming from you, Kiba." Naruto said sarcastically.

"Seriously, Naruto...I didn't think that you were capable of it."

Naruto scowled at Kiba. "Whatever, Kiba. I can see that you won't believe me, so I will just cut to the chase and explain. The chunin exams are currently taking place as we speak. The third portion of the exam is scheduled to begin tomorrow. Lord Hokage, along with some jonin and a couple chunin, are already at the exams. And almost every ninja in the village is departing for the Village Hidden in the Sand tomorrow to watch. Since we are already chunin, our attendance at the exams is not required. So everyone invited to our little 'party' will stay here. Tomorrow night, we will come to the cave we have been hiding the party supplies in, and we will drag it all out and get ready. We will have our party, and have it all cleaned up before everyone gets back, which will be about four or five days from tomorrow. It leaves us plenty of time to party, sober up, and then clean up any messes we might make. Nobody will even know that there was a party, except for the people invited, of course."

Kiba stared at Naruto, his mouth hanging slightly open in shock. It was about 32 seconds before he could even respond; he was that amazed and disturbed.

"Wow, Naruto...that's a really good plan..." Kiba admitted, "I don't think that even Shikamaru could have planned it better."

Naruto shuffled his feet and looked at the ground, clearly embarrassed.

"Well..." Naruto began tentatively, "You see...Shikamaru did help plan it out...a lot---"

"**_AH HA_**!" Kiba grinned triumphantly. "I**_ KNEW_** you weren't capable of creating a decent thought process!"

Naruto looked as if he longed to punch Kiba in the face. "Shut up, Kiba, and keep pushing. We are almost there."

After a couple more minutes of pushing, Kiba and Naruto arrived at their destination; a small cave not very deep in the forest. Kiba and Naruto finished pushing the keg into the cave and then collapsed. Kiba looked around the cave, his dark eyes scanning its contents.

"Do you think we have enough?" Kiba asked mockingly.

"If not, I think I know where we can get some more..." Naruto said with a sly smile, his cerulean eyes flashing mischievously.

And so, Kiba and Naruto left the cave, packed with 15 kegs of beer, 30 cases of wine coolers, and so much rum that Captain Jack Sparrow himself would have been swooning.

**Cloud: ** One chapeter down!

**Kairi: **pats Cloud on the back Good for you, Cloud.

**Cloud: **grins triumphantly I wrote that chappie all by myself!

**Kairi: ** So if you readers dont like it, it's all Cloud's fault.

**Cloud:** What? NOOOOOOOO!

**Kairi: **R&R and we will 3 you forever.


	2. Daydreams and Predictions

**Kairi:** w00t! Second chappie!

**Cloud:** Yesssssss...go us!

**Kairi:** I wrote this chappie!

**Cloud:** Yeah, well I edited it.

**Kairi:** True true.

**Disclaimer: ** If you think we own it, you probably like both Temari and Neji. Pitiful.

The sun was about to come up, and Kiba and Naruto were exhausted from all the hard work they did. Since they were done hauling all the ''supplies'', they sat on their lazy asses and ate about twenty boxes of Twinkles. (Kairi: I did that once...Let's just say it didn't end well.) About an hour later, when both Kiba and Naruto were on the verge of barfing from consuming so many Twinkies, they decided it was time to start heading home.

"Never again." Kiba said as he struggled to keep himself from barfing.

"I agree. But I won." replied Naruto after a sickening burp.

"No, I ate thirty five and you only had thirty two. So I won by three." Kiba stated angrily.

"Grrrr Kiba! I ate thirty five and you ate thirty two. Get it right!" Naruto yelled out.

" Whatever. I'm not going to argue with you over something this stupid. Besides, I am way to sick to even care right now." Kiba replied.

"Yeah you're right. Oh, but are your sure we got everything? I know we got the "supplies" all tucked away but did you call the..."

"Yes I'm sure we got everything, and I just got off the phone with the--"

"I don't wanna see some--"

"I don't want to either, that's why I made sure." Kiba stated simply.

After walking for a moment in silence, Naruto thought of something, or said some random words that somehow made a sentence.

"Wonder what's gonna happen."

"When tomorrow?" Kiba asked.

"Yeah."

"I don't know. Maybe Chouji will drink so much he will throw up 75 of his body weight." Kiba stated.

"Or maybe Hinata will finally kick Neji in the nuts." Naruto said while looking a bit hopeful.

"Yeah that bastard needs it. did you hear what he's been doing?" Kiba inquired.

"Crack?" Naruto guessed.

"No! But I see your point. He's trying to make a potion that will make the drinker's head explode."

"That's terrible! Who would want to drink that stuff any way?" Naruto asked stupidly.

Kiba just simply ignored Naruto's stupidity and continued to explain.

"Well, he's been testing it on any main house member he could get his crack whore hands onto. Oh, and small animals."

"Small animals are cuddly"

"Yeah like puppies." Kiba said while thinking lovingly of Akamaru, who was currently asleep at Kiba's apartment.

"Oooo yeah and bunnies!" Naruto exclaimed.

For a while the thought of cute, fluffy puppies and bunnies filled their minds. Their eyes sparkled with the thought of the tiny, lovable creatures.

"Neji is a fuck doing all those mean things to those tiny animals!" Naruto growled, obviously offended by the brutal murder of innocent animals.

"Yeah he is dirty bastard...hurting all those puppies!"

Slowly the town of Konoha was coming into view. All washed over by warm orange glow casted by the rising sun.

"Well Naruto, I'll see you tomorrow."

"I can't wait! See ya Kiba!"

**Kairi:** Chapter 2 is DONE!

**Cloud:** YAY!

**Kairi:** I wrote that chapter.

**Cloud:** I edited it.

**Kairi:** R&R please!

**Cloud:** We want 5 new reviews before we will post the next chapter.

**Kairi: **Yeah because proof that 5 people actually read our fanfic is not too much to ask. Seriously.

**Cloud:** (nods in agreement) If you don't...bad things will happen..._bad things...MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!_


	3. Shocks and Surprises

**Cloud:** We were so excited to get our 5 new reviews already.

**Kairi:** So we decided to be nice and post a new chapter now.

**Cloud: **We just thought of it off the top of our heads.

**Kairi:** THANK YOU REVIEWERS! (bows down to reviewers)

**Cloud:** Here we go!

**Disclaimer: **If you think we own it...then YOU LIE! YOU LIE!

Kiba yawned and threw his alarm clock across the room as a punishment for waking him up so early. No scratch that...it wasn't early anymore. It was now four in the afternoon, and he had a lot to do to get ready. He rummaged through the pile of clothes on his floor and managed to find a clean red shirt and a pair of not-so-smelly jeans. He walked slowly to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. Then he walked to the front door, deciding to go to the cave to meet with Naruto. He turned the handle and yanked open the door. The first thing he saw was a pair of cerulean eyes, inches away from his own.

"It's time." Naruto said eerily.

"AUGHHH!" Kiba screamed as he jumped about four feet in shock. "Don't scare me like that Naruto! I thought we agreed to meet at the cave--"

"At four in the afternoon." Naruto finished simply.

"Yeah, so why are you...oh, you said four? Sorry about that."

"Well, whatever. Let's just go get the stuff and bring it out. We don't want everyone to show up when there isn't any alcohol out." Naruto stated.

"Yeah that would probably be bad. Let's go."

So Kiba and Naruto set off to the Cave of Alcohol. As they approached, they heard some crashing around inside the cave. Horrified that someone might have left ransackary, they ran into the cave. But they did not suspect that--

"SASUKE? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?" Kiba shouted, utterly confused.

"Hn, I should have suspected as much." Naruto said, not looking surprised at all.

Kiba just scratched his head in a bemused fashion, looking from Sasuke to Naruto, then back to Sasuke again.

"Oh, Hi Naruto. Hi Kiba." Sasuke said. "I just thought I would help you guys get the alcohol to the pavilion. I mean, you have quite a lot here. I just wanted to help."

"Wait a second...how did you know the alcohol was in here?" Kiba asked.

"Umm...lucky guess." Sasuke shrugged.

"Well, I guess the more help the better. Let's just get the alcohol out of here so we can get the party started." Naruto said calmly.

So Kiba and Naruto and Sasuke started to transport all the alcohol out of the cave. It took about an hour of hard work, and all three were extremely tired, but satisfied. Sasuke had started to sort the alcohol into their respective categories, so Kiba took the opportunity to pull Naruto aside.

"Ok, Naruto, explain. How come you weren't surprised when we got to the cave and Sasuke was there? Did you tell him to meet us or something?" Kiba asked.

"No." Naruto answered simply.

"Well then how come you weren't surprised or anything? What do you know that I don't?" Kiba asked.

"All in good time, my friend. You will see soon enough." Naruto answered as he turned and walked away.

Kiba just stood there, pondering what Naruto said while occasionally scratching his head. He didn't even notice when Naruto started to call his name.

"Kiba? KIBA? ** KIBA?**" Naruto screamed.

"Yeah, what is it?" Kiba asked, snapping back to reality.

"People are starting to arrive, and the 'cake' is here!" Naruto called out.

"Oh, ok. I'm coming!" Kiba said as he ran back to the pavilion.

Sure enough, Kiba saw some people walking over. He recognized Ino, Shikamaru, Chouji, Sakura, Shino, and Hinata all coming over. He also saw the pink 'cake' that he had ordered. Rubbing his hands together excitedly, he ran off toward the pavilion.

"Oh yeah, I am SO ready to PAR-TAY!" Kiba yelled out, a broad grin stretched across his face.

**Cloud:** MWUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF THE CLIFFIE!

**Kairi:** (steps away from Cloud slowly) Umm...right.

**Cloud:** Reviews make us write faster.

**Kairi:** Seriously. We posted two chapters in one day thanks to you amazing reviewers. We might post even more if we get some more reviews... (hint hint)


	4. More Shocks and Surprises

**Cloud:** We are soooooooo sorry that we haven't updated in a timely manner.

**Kairi:** We have been watching over someone thats very needy.

**Cloud:** But we have him chained up in the corner so we should be...WHERE DID HE GO?!?!

**Kairi: ** He's gone? OH NO!

**Cloud: ** CRAP! He was just there a second ago!

**Kairi:** We need to go find him...NOW!

**Cloud: **Right! He couldn't have gotten too far...

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"Will you sign here please?" asked a pot-bellied, greasy man wearing a name tag that read 'Hank'.

"Sure! Of course!" exclaimed Kiba, all too anxious about his big surprise. "So...uh, is **it** in there?" He asked as he scrawled his name on the document and handed it back to Hank.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, **it's** in there, so get it over with before it loses to much air." Hank answered while taking the pink paper and throwing it onto his truck seat.

"Ok! Uh, I'll just do it now. Can you wheel it up onto the stage for me?" Kiba asked, wringing his hands in excitement.

"Anything for a payin' customer." replied Hank while he scratched his ass absentmindedly.

"Thanks." said Kiba as he scurried off onto his place on the stage. '_Oh, this is going to be the thing they will never forget. I have everything planned...it's all perfect! Now all we need is an introduction..._'

Kiba confidently strode up onto the stage and grabbed the microphone off of its stand. "Hey! Listen up! I have something planned that will knock your socks off, and perhaps any other loose articles of clothing. What better way to start a party a party than with a...HUGE CAKE!!!"

A loud cheer spread across the mob of people (most of the cheering was done by Choiji). All that Kiba could do was beam that absolutely adorable fanged smile of his.

The smile was Naruto's cue. He dimmed the lights and turned up the music that Kiba had provided. Naruto pushed the play button on the stereo. The music sounded like a sexy no jutsu theme song. '_What the hell is this?_' Naruto thought to himself. Shaking his head, Naruto returned to the crowd of ninjas who were intently staring at the stage.

Kiba climbed down so that he would have a better view of his surprise. After 45.9 seconds of the sexy music playing, the top of the giant, 4 ft. tall cake suddenly popped off. Being made of cardboard, it made no mess at all. It suddenly became clear of what was up Kiba's sleeve.

Facing away from the crowd slowly arose a figure from the depths of the giant pastry. With a head of long, silvery hair that reached down to mid-back, the mysterious figure looked attractive.

Suddenly, the figure turned sharply and raised long arms up, screaming loudly and menacingly.

**"OOOGA BOOGA BOOOOGAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

With the panther-like grace of a cheetah, the mysterious person jumped out of the cake and ran to the neighboring fields, tearing off every piece of clothing on his body. That's right. Everyone could now see that the mysterious figure was a man.

Jaws dropped and shock took hold of the crowd of ninjas. Kiba was mortified. In fact, he was so embarrassed that the markings on his face were no longer visible, due to the shade of red he had turned.

"I am so so so so so so sorry you guys. That was supposed to be a stripper!"

"Well, the man stripped, that's for sure!" Naruto screamed, clearly thrilled at Kiba's embarrassment. Everyone else started to laugh as well. And Kiba eventually got over his mortification and joined the drinking game Naruto started.

However, the game was quickly interrupted when a dark portal appeared on stage. Out stepped a blonde and brunette with strange black outfits on. They looked around the crowd and then sighed deeply.

The blonde spotted the microphone and grabbed it. "Umm...excuse me. Have any of you seen a tall man with long, silver hair? We need to find him before he causes some serious damage."

"What a drag...you guys interrupted the party just when it got good." Shikamaru drawled lazily. "He went over towards those fields."

"Thanks." the blonde replied. "Come on Kairi, we need to go get him before he gets away again!"

"He's not gonna get away that easily this time, Cloud. Let's go!" The brunette responded.

"Oh...you didn't see anything!" the blonde hastily said to the crowd before she ran off in search of the naked man.

"ANSEM! ANNNNNSEM! COME OUT COME OUT WHERE EVER YOU ARE!!!!!" the brunette yelled loudly as she followed the running blonde.

The crowd was completely silent. Then...everybody just shrugged it off and continued the drinking game. Oh yes, this party is still just getting started!

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**Cloud:** (hits Ansem on the head) LOOK AT ALL THE HAVOC YOU CAUSED!

**Ansem:** ...I AM ANSEM! FEAR ME!

**Kairi:** Ansem...it's time.

**Ansem:** (starts shaking) no...please...not that!

**Cloud:** OH yes...(grins) it's FLEA BATH TIME! (grabs Ansem by ankles and starts pulling toward bathtub)

**Ansem: **(claws at ground wildly) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Kairi:** Consider it punishment for your insolence. Readers, a flea bath is in your near future if you don't review!


	5. Mysterious Ninjas

**Disclaimer: **insert some witty disclaimer here

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**Cloud:** It's official. We suck at updating in a timely manner. Sorry for the wait. We will try to be better about it from now on.

**Kairi: **Special thanks to **Kixyelle**,** LinkFangirl01**,and** PabloandDuck** for reviewing and such.

**Cloud:** Onto the fic!

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The bright moon flickered into view softly from behind the dark night clouds, illuminating the otherwise pitch-black forest. The wind blew about gently, stirring up the fallen leaves and making branches quiver. Off in the distance, a lone wolf could be heard howling a sweet requiem to the vast night sky. And the ninja trio continued their journey, ears pricked and eyes alert.

"This is insane." the lone female stated suddenly, breaking the silence. As she was the first to speak, she will henceforth be known as Mysterious Ninja 1. "We should have never left home."

"Would it have been better to let him go on his own?" the tallest of the group stated, gesturing towards the smaller male. Since the tallest was the second to speak, he will now be known as Mysterious Ninja 2. And the shortest one of the lot is now dubbed Mysterious Ninja 3.

"Good point..." Mysterious Ninja 1 replied. "But really, we never should have left. This was a bad idea."

Mysterious Ninja 3 turned his head slowly towards Mysterious Ninja 1 and glared at her so sharply that she visibly paled, even though there was little light to see.

"Do you question my judgment?" He asked in a chilling voice.

"O-of course not!" Mysterious Ninja 1 stuttered. "I-I would never do that!"

"Sure sounds like it." Mysterious Ninja 2 drawled, but a pleading glance from the kunoichi caused him to then try and help her out. "But honestly, we really should be back home. The exams are taking place, and our attendance is mandatory. And yet, we aren't there."

"...So?" Mysterious Ninja 3 questioned.

"Well...um nevermind." Mysterious Ninja 2 trailed off, looking defeated.

"Good. Now let's get a move on. We're almost there." Mysterious Ninja 3 said, quickening his pace.

"And that's another thing." Mysterious Ninja 1 continued to harp. "Where are we going?"

"Konoha." Mysterious Ninja 2 answered immediately.

"How did you know that?" Mysterious Ninja 1 asked, looking quite confused.

"Duh, that sign right over there." Mysterious Ninja 2 said smugly, pointing to a sign that was illuminated by two large lights. **Konoha: 1/2 mile**

"Oh." Mysterious Ninja 1 said softly, feeling awfully stupid. "I see..."

"But what I don't know is why we are going there. Care to fill us in?" Mysterious Ninja 2 asked Mysterious Ninja 3.

"No." Mysterious Ninja 3 answered plainly.

"...My feet hurt." Mysterious Ninja 1 whined after a few seconds of silence.

"...Shut up or I'll kill you." Mysterious Ninja 3 said, turning to face the foolish kunoichi. Said kunoichi trembled in fear and instantly shut her mouth.

Mysterious Ninja 2 paused and sniffed the air. "Well, that sure clears things up." he said vaguely.

An insane smile broke out across Mysterious Ninja 3's face. Suddenly, he disappeared in a whirl of sand. Soon after Mysterious Ninja 2 poofed away as well. Mysterious Ninja 1 remained in the forest, pondering what was going on. Shrugging, she decided to just walk the rest of the way.

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All was going well at the party. Everyone was having a grand time. Suddenly, in a whirl of sand, a new arrival appeared on a picnic table. Everyone looked over to see who it was.

Naruto looked at the new arrival, his cerulean eyes wide. "Oh my gosh it's---"

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**Cloud:** That's it for chapter 5!

**Kairi: ** If you haven't figured out who Mysterious Ninjas 1, 2, and 3 are, I have one question to ask you. Why are you reading a Naruto fanfic?

**Cloud: ** We shall try to update soon! Review to keep us motivated!


	6. Hugs and Abuse

**Cloud: ** Yeah, we totally haven't done anything with this fic in forever. I'd be surprised if anyone even remembered it.

**Kairi:** Same here. It kinda died a little bit.

**Cloud: ** Time for fanfic CPR!

**Kairi:** And now the identities of the Three Mysterious Ninja will be revealed. But honestly, we thought it was pretty obvious...

* * *

"Gaara!" Naruto exclaimed, a dopey grin stretched across his whiskered face. "I didn't think you would be able to come!"

The buzzed blonde then leapt onto the picnic table that the Kazekage was standing on and opened his arms wide to embrace the angsty redhead. Aqua eyes narrowed, the Suna nin used his infamous sand to knock the hyperactive bother off of the table and away from him.

"Hugs are evil. I'm just here for the booze." Gaara stated shortly. He then gracefully jumped off the table and headed for the abundance of alcohol.

"Oww...that still wasn't very nice though..." Naruto chastised, receiving a blank stare in response. Seconds later, Kankuro appeared beside the frazzled kitsune.

"Kankuro!" Naruto yelled, causing the new arrival to flinch. "I'm so glad you could make it!" he continued to screech, leaping to his feet to give the puppeteer a big hug. Dark eyes narrowed, Kankuro sidestepped out of the blonde's path, causing the kitsune to run right by and into a pole, where he laid, foot twitching occasionally.

"A DRUNKEN PARTY?!" a feminine voice screech in an extremely loud manner. Seconds later, a very unhappy Temari burst forth burst forth from the dense woods.

"Oh wow...she doesn't look very youthful..." a frightened Lee whispered.

"WE CAME ALL THIS WAY FOR A---Shika-kun?" the blonde broke off, her mouth slightly agape.

"Oh shit. Why didn't anyone tell me that she was invited?" Shikamaru asked, eyes wide and full of fear.

Temari started to skip over, feeling complete bliss. As long as her Shika-kun was there, she would be just dandy. But as she approached her beloved shadow nin, he turned on his heel and ran away at an alarming rate of speed.

"Playing hard to get, are we? You rascal!" Temari yelled to the fleeing brunette as she chased after him.

"Umm...that's not the way to Shikamaru's apartment..." a surprisingly sober Sakura pointed out as she watched him run away.

"Yeah, but it is the way to his parent's house," a less sober Ino slurred. "He probably knew that she was gonna follow him, so he probably decided to lead her to a place that he could lock himself into without her knowing where he really lives."

"Wow, Ino-pig, your drunken logic is pretty amazing," the cherry blossom kunoichi admired.

"Thank you, billboard brow," the blonde responded as she stumbled away.

Sighing softly, Sakura opened a nearby bottle of beer and began to drink. The taste was very bitter and she wasn't fond of it, but it was better than staying sober at this point. '_When in Rome, right?' _Gulping the amber liquid down, she quickly finished the bottle and sighed yet again. And that's when she heard it. It was very soft and low, and only a professional ninja would have noticed it.

"Dun dun, da da dun dun da da..."

The soft humming grew louder and louder as it approached her from behind.

"Dun dun, da da dun dun da da..."

"Lee...what are you doing?" she asked in an exasperated voice.

"Oh darn. You heard me." Lee said, looking down at the ground. "Well, since you caught me, I might as well confess. I am on a seemingly impossible mission to win your love!"

"So that's why you were humming the Mission Impossible theme song, huh?" she asked, even though she pretty much knew the answer.

"Of course! And now, I must think of another way to win your affections!" he yelled as he ran away, now screaming at the top of his lungs. "DUN DUN, DA DA DUN DUN DA DA!!!!!"

"Wow...that was weird." Kiba remarked before turning back to poking the unconscious Uzumaki with a stick.

"Hey Kiba?" Sakura asked as she watched him, an odd look upon her face.

"Yeah," the brunette responded as the poking grew harder and more forceful.

"Stop poking Naruto."

"Awhh okay..." Kiba said softly before sulking off to acquire yet another drink.

"This is gonna be a long ass night..." the pink-haired kunoichi mumbled under her breath as she grabbed another bottle.

* * *

**Cloud: ** Yeah I'm stopping there.

**Kairi: ** How come?

**Cloud:** No point in continuing a fic that people could have potentially forgotten about.

**Kairi:** Good point. So readers, be sure to review, or we probably won't continue this.

**Cloud: ** Yeah, and if any of you readers happen to also be reading Not All Seeing, be sure to review if you haven't, since I'm not updating until I get at least 55 reviews total. And if anyone is interested, it's a wonderful and romantic (eventual) KibaHina!

**Kairi: ** Stop your shameless advertising.

**Cloud:** Okay okay...-scuffles off-


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